I'm free! I'm free!!!

Ok, I can admit it now - due to some reasons TMNT are very close to me; sorry if it sounds weird and sloppy, but they are like essential part of my life, something from the childhood, part of it, actually, anchor to many good and important things that I've learned through my life. They are my Beacon beam in this life and they shine brighter when surrounding reality starts to grow darker.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not really obsessed or anything, I don't have a collection of countless stuff (only 4 action figures! ^_^) devouted to them and I'm no in some fan-club. They are just a very good and soft and warm image or a figure of family bonds and will and strength and never yielding hope that keeps you anchored to your sanity. Of course I realize that there no giant mutated turtles running along New-York sewers, but it doesn't matter much because they're a symbol for me. I think it's important to have such images, something we can believe in and follow, because they build our inner world and make us what we are.

And that's why I felt myself strange since I've started to read fanfics about them (since the last movie, which actually had brought turtles back on the surface of my mind). It felt like someone took your best friend ever and shot him in the head right in front of your eyes, so his/her blood was all over your face (sorry). I don't mean to say that those authors are bad or something, no, they are really great, and some of them have quite a potential in writing, you know. But I let their emotions and images mess with my head, with my own vision, with my symbol. I don't know why I did it, but it really sucked.

Till today when I read few more fanfics from one certain author that had been screwing my brain most of all for the last few weeks. And after I had finished like about 10'th fic (looks a bit masochistic...) in a row something clicked in my head and I suddenly found myself laughing. Not because fic was stupid or something, it was full of angst and psychology and heavy sex and all that stuff, it was nicely done and quite well thought through, but you know what? Those weren't MY turtles. That wasn't MY symbol. It wasn't my friend who had been shot in a face right there.

I don't even understand how could I let it bugging and crushing me for so long. And I don't quite understand what triggered that click in my head (I have a good guess though - author's persistence in marvelling at his/her personal vision of TMNT; it's like sucking a lollipop, you know - tasty candy dissapeares soon and there's nothing but a simple wooden stick that is left. And you can throw it away easily cause it's kinda wierd to lick a stick since the taste is all gone... Well if you don't have a thingie for wooden sticks that is...)

But it doesn't really matter. Cause now I feel myself free. So free it diesn't seem real. Wonderful feeling. My image is with me and no one can take it away. Or break it. And now I can finally read any kind of TMNT fanfics and enjoy them completely!

I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to say. I didn't mean to offend anyone, it was all just about my personal mental problem. I'm really sorry for all this crap, but I had to let it out.

Love you all. Really love you all!!! And TMNT! And lollipops! And the whole world too!!!